Surviving this world while dealing with what I describe as functional depression is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I feel lost. More than that, I feel like I have lost myself.
Every day, I put on a smile, show up and pretend that everything is fine. I laugh. I am bubbly. I carry myself with confidence. But lately, even my smile hurts.
The strange part is that none of those characteristics are fake. I really am that person. I love being bubbly, confident and able to make people smile. I love those parts of myself when I am genuinely happy.
The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) notes that this form of depression can be difficult to recognise because people often continue with their daily responsibilities despite their symptoms.
That description feels uncomfortably familiar.
I still go to work. I still meet deadlines. I still have conversations. I still smile. From the outside, I can look like I am functioning normally.
Inside, however, I can feel completely empty.
And I am tired of hiding that.
‘But you have people who love you’
I know what some people will say.
“You have loved ones and support.”
“You have a job.”
“You have so much to be grateful for.”
And yes, those things matter. I know they do.
But when I am sitting mentally in a dark room with what feels like no exit, knowing I have people who care about me does not automatically make the darkness disappear.
I feel completely alone, even when I am surrounded by people who care about me. It is a loneliness that does not come from having no one around.
It comes from feeling unseen, unheard and unable to explain the heaviness I carry inside.
I can be in a room full of people, laughing and taking part in conversations, while still feeling as though I am somewhere far away from everyone else.
I hear thoughts in my mind that I cannot simply switch off, and explaining every little detail of what I feel would not necessarily make a difference. At least, not right now.
It is also difficult when the people around you belittle your emotions or invalidate how you feel because they do not understand what it is like to stand in your shoes.
Growing up as the “dramatic kid” makes it even harder.
When people have already decided that you overreact, why even tell them I feel this way?
I am exhausted from trying to hold everything together
Adulting is something I am still learning to navigate.
Work can be overwhelming, especially when you give it everything you have and barely feel recognised for it. Having to deal with people in this state, doesn’t make it easier too.
I am hurting internally. My body feels the strain. Stress has made its way into my body.
I never knew life could find new ways to break me, but it has.
2026, you’ve brought me distress and hurt in ways I never expected. You ultimately made me give up on life
Now, I am taking each gloomy day as it comes.
I do not have all the answers. I do not even have the energy to explain everything.
But I know this much: behind the smile, I am hurting.
And sometimes, admitting that is the most honest thing I can do.
If you are struggling with depression or mental health-related issues, contact the South African Depression and Anxiety Group 24-hour toll-free emergency helplines: Suicide Crisis Helpline on 0800 567 567 or Cipla Mental Health Helpline 0800 456 789
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