October is Mental Health Month… feels fitting as I turn 25 on World Mental Health Day, 10 October.
The irony is not lost on me. While the world will be talking about mental health, I will be celebrating another birthday while feeling more weird than ever.
This seems to happen every year before my birthday. But this year feels different.
On 4 October 2020, I attempted suicide and ended up in hospital. That was also when my self-harming started.
Six years later, I am still here.
But being here does not mean I have figured everything out.
Maybe I really am the problem?
Lately, I feel alone. I feel like I am too much. I feel like I irritate everyone and, sometimes, like I am a burden.
Being a Christian does not magically make those feelings disappear. Sometimes, keeping my faith and hope alive is hard when I am already exhausted.
I am tired of hearing “pray”; I am. And people should know that God won’t fix your troubles this second
I am tired of feeling judged.
I have heard things like, “You’re not the only one with problems”, “get it out of your head”, “you’re dramatic”, and comments that make me question whether I am simply a bad person.
Maybe I am.
I have spent years being a people pleaser. Then I started putting up boundaries, and suddenly I became the bad person.
Actually, the word used was “evil”.
I have always believed I was a nice person. I try to help people. But apparently, the moment I choose myself, that kindness becomes a problem.
ADHD does not make everything an excuse
One thing I hate about having ADHD is knowing that I can sometimes hurt people close to me without realising it.
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder involving persistent difficulties with attention, impulsivity and self-control. In adults, it can affect work, relationships and everyday functioning. Research also recognises difficulties with frustration tolerance and intense mood changes in some adults with ADHD.
For me, that can mean reacting badly, saying something I did not mean or impulsive acts hurting someone.
And that hurts me too.
One situation can stay in my head for months, even after I have apologised or been forgiven. I can replay it over and over again. I know I cannot simply switch that off.
I am not using my mental health as an excuse. I am trying to understand myself, take responsibility and getting help.
I don’t want to need medication to function
I was recently trolled about needing medication to function.
That hurt; no, it anguished.
I do not want to feel like I need assistance to be “normal”. I hate that sometimes my brain needs additional support to do things other people seem to do naturally.
But treatment is not weakness.
This is my mental war
I wish more people understood mental illness.
It is not an excuse. It is not simply being dramatic. It is not something I can “get out of my head”.
There are people like me fighting mental battles every second of the day, while nobody sees it because we have become very good at hiding.
We smile. We laugh. We show up.
And sometimes, we dissociate just to get through the day.
Not pretending I have everything figured out, but finally allowing myself to say: this is what surviving looks like for me.
And maybe, for once, I do not have to apologise for it.
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